Refresh :)

I’ve been doing some subtle changes here and there.

            I changed my profile picture and cover photo on Facebook though it doesn’t really do me justice in ‘starting afresh’. It’s useless, I know, but somehow a part of me just wants to change it all so that it won’t remind me of what and who I had lost.

            A few days had passed since he left me. I’m just trying to live as usual, always keeping a happy face, smiling all the time and pretending like it all never happened. It’d be a lie if I say my mind doesn’t wander back to our memories, if my hands don’t itch to click that one button to view our pictures on the computer, if my heart doesn’t yearn for his presence.

            I really want to view our pictures but I’m afraid that the sight would bring a fresh wave of pain. I’m afraid that I would crumble down alone, with no one to help me get up again.

            I hear people say that the first cut is the deepest. This ‘cut’ is the third and I figured out it wouldn’t hurt much.

            Maybe that’s true… though it hurts just the same. Being broken up with by someone you love is not something that you can get used to no matter how many times you go through it. It hurts and it will always hurt.

            Though I believe myself to be fine without him, I still look for him wherever I go. I hope he would suddenly appear again even if I can only look at him from afar.

            I still wonder about him. Does he miss the one girl he left behind? Does he miss the talks we used to have? Does he miss the memories we created together and the moments we used to hold on to? Does he miss me at all?

I do feel lonely but I try to bask in the loneliness and do things I like – things which I had almost forgotten. I finished reading one of my favourite novels, I updated my book full of quotes, and I play around with my nephews and nieces as they say that kids are the natural entertainer for the heart.

I’m young and life out there has much, much, much more to offer. I’ll meet lots, lots, lots and lots of guys out there and I’ll find one in the crowd that deserves my love.

You know, Super Junior didn’t sing ‘Sexy, Free and Single’ for nothing! *wink* :)

I love you Alen Gwak

You know that sometimes you can feel separation hovering near, threatening to break you and your loved ones apart?

At least when it comes to that, you know what to expect though I don’t think it lessen the pain of being left alone after such a long time of being together with the one you dearly loved.

I envisioned our future together – not wedding bells, wedding dresses or a bungalow for me to live with him and our kids but rather just the day after today. I had hopes and expectations for the time to come up till the time he left.

Every relationship would hit a rocky patch once in a while and mine was no different. What I thought to be such a minor mistake on my part turned out to be such a huge wound to him that he left.

Yes, he left.

He left without saying goodbye.

What hurts is the fact that there were no last words, no goodbye, nothing to signal that he was about to leave. My hope to smooth out our misunderstanding was crushed as soon as I realised that he had left. I searched high and low but he was nowhere to be found.

His absence left a gaping hole that throbbed, like someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest. The emptiness yawned widely inside but I’m unable to find something or someone that can cover the void in my life.

I wonder what he felt the moment he left me. Glad, perhaps? – Glad that he could get rid of me at last? Hurt? Guilt?

I didn’t think that I was ready to live without him, to let him go. If I’d been standing, I would’ve staggered backward to learn that he’s gone. The shock and surprise was so sudden.

The only thing he left was a thousand memories I can’t forget. The mind is like a sieve, so I shouldn’t need to worry much, right? Time will wipe out all the memories so that nothing could be left behind, right? But sometimes, there are just some things that got stuck in the mind, unable to be peeled off and discarded.

I listen to songs – sad love ballads mostly – before I go to sleep, hoping it can soothe my aching heart. I let our memories play in my head – not because I want to add to the mountain of pain in my heart, but rather remembering is the only way of forgetting for me. I let the tears fall along with the rain that pelts on my windows on the rare occasion when the summer storm decides to pay a visit.

I don’t know if he reads this but if he does, then I would like to apologize to him for hurting him, and I want him to know that I never meant to hurt him for how could I inflict such pain on someone I love? And… I just want to let him know I still love him and I would gladly accept him back into my arms if he ever decides to come back.

I love you, Alen, and I still need you.

You and I

Life is very surprising.

I think I have just learned it.

You remember Min Jun? You know, the guy I can’t seem to stop talking about? The one who makes me laugh and cry? The one that I love?

Now you get the picture.

I’ve been wanting to tell the world about this for quite some time but things just got in the way.  I was quite busy these past few months and still am. It is hard to find some time to write but as it is, I try to push a few things away and here I am, typing away for this blog.

Back to the story I wanted to tell you about.

Min Jun came back and we got back together after a while. We are about two months into the relationship and I am very happy to have him back in my life. I really can’t get away from him, can I?

We had celebrated our 1^st and 2^nd month anniversary together, leaving me a memory I don’t think I can ever forget in a million years.

I just want time to stop when we’re together so that I can be with him forever and never have to let him go. He makes me smile and blow away all my fears and tears and for that, I am thankful to have met him.

I can’t remember a life before him, a life so dull like I’m seeing the world in black and white. He brought colours back into my life and makes me see the little things I never noticed and the hidden beauty in everything.

I don’t think I can write enough about him. For those who have been in love, you know what it feels like when that special someone makes your life so perfect you just don’t have the words to describe it. Well, Min Jun is that special someone in my life and words just don’t do him justice.

Min Jun, I love you Jambu Monkey. May we stay together for ever.

Our second anniversary together. ♥ 

Lonely Without You

I am alone.

But being alone is not the same as being lonely.

There are times when I want to ask him to come back but my pride holds me back each time. For that, I’m glad because if he left once, the he’ll leave again. Soon.

I know better than to sit around and wait for someone who wouldn’t come. He is far away now – in my mind’s eye. I need to pick up the thread of my life, pick up from where he left me and start again from scratch. I should not be sad. After all, this isn’t the first time.

First time?

I was wrong. This is the first time – that he left me.

Whenever I hear the song that we used to listen to, I wonder if he’s listening to the same song or if he even remembers how special this song was to us. How special this song IS to me.

Whenever I see a couple walking down the street with their hands intertwined together, I wonder if he still remembers the times we used to do just that. I wonder if he remembers how it was when I put my hand in his or when I look into his eyes and told him I love him. I wonder.

Whenever I came across our pictures, I wonder if he still keeps them. Has he thrown away our pictures? Has he burned them? What about my gifts? Does he still have it? Or did he pack it for Goodwill? Has he thrown away or burned everything? Did he do that to our memories, too?

It’s so hard to walk away and it’s so hard to explain this feeling. I remember him, because everything that had happened is still new. I still remember it with perfect clarity, to the point where it hurts.

Breaking up with him feels so wrong but I was wronged and it was the only right thing to do. Because there is no girl in this world who wants to be cheated on.

We're Through

People change all the time. People move forward and they don’t turn back to mourn for what they have left behind and lost. They don’t usually do that.

Because to move forward, you have to look ahead and forget what’s behind you.

Because that’s the only rule of surviving. Ever.

But I didn’t do anything and he left me. I repeat: HE LEFT ME.

He changed in a blink of an eye. He changed just like that. We were so in love and we got over so many things, and for once, I was the one trying to hold on to our relationship even when I knew it was slipping away and the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me in no time at all but I stayed.

Because I have faith in him.

Because I have faith in us.

The way he talked to me was different. When I was the one who left him, he still talked to me in that soft, irresistible voice and there wasn’t a hint of hate or anger at all when he should be. He never raised his voice. He never yelled at me. He never hurt me… real bad.

But now he had. Because there is apparently someone better for him out there – someone better for him when we were really doing okay, when things could’ve ended happily.

Where was she – or any other girl, for that matter – when I needed her to be with him? When I left him and saw what a mess he had become, all I wanted was for him to have someone other than me to love and to lean on. He didn’t find her.

How ironic that he had found the ‘perfect girl ever’ when I had willingly stayed by his side and picked off where we left off and started a whole new chapter for us. It’s as if fate’s trying to get me. Well, FATE certainly had done its job.

And I thought I could never be more hurt than when Min Jun left me.

What sliced through my already broken heart is the realisation that he will never be the same. The understanding we have, the perfect chemistry between us – he pretends to not know any of it. Where once we couldn’t help but understand each other, now he pretends to not understand what I’m saying but I know that he understands it perfectly, even if I don’t say it out loud. Because the mutual understanding we couldn’t help but have is not something that can go away when something breaks into pieces.

I don’t think it will go away.

Right now, it feels like we are both trying to act like we don’t know each other and act like strangers in one room when we know exactly what the other party is thinking. That hurts. I have to pretend to not know any of it. I have to pretend that I have lost it all, when in fact, it is not something that can disappear just like that.

Back to LOVE

It has been a long time since I've written last in here. I missed it but I was too busy with life.

Everybody keeps on talking about Valentines.

Why should I do the same?

Kidding!

Whoever has read my blog would know that I've broken up with Min Jun a while ago. It's going to be a year this 2012. I've never remembered it again but that doesn't mean I have forgotten all about it.

As I searched for Min Jun's picture, something suddenly struck my heart. I don't know what it is... but I guess looking at his face again brought back the memories.

I'm happy to say that I've once again found happiness in someone. He loves me - he says so. We've been together since literally forever. I left him countless times already but we keep on bouncing back to each other. Maybe it is fate. 

His name is Lee Do Hyeong, though I call him Dong Jun because I like that name better. I refused to get back with him after we broke up - not because I didn't love him but because I wanted to find someone else... someone who I think might suits me best but as the saying goes WHILE YOU GO SEARCHING FOR THE BEST, THE BEST FOUND BETTER. I figure that Dong Jun might be the best for me... at this moment.

What brought us together again was... PARIS.

 Just a couple of pics I have here. 

How can you love someone who has hurt you countless time? How can you stand being with that person, without the fear that he or she wouldn't leave you again.

Well, this special guy did just that: HE LOVES ME MORE THAN I DESERVED TO BE LOVED.

 So since today is his birthday, I figured I should give him one of the sweet selcas I have since we're living far away from each other.

Presents can come later. *wink*

Right now I wish for nothing much in life but for happiness.

I just go with the flow nowadays and I try to make the best of everything in my life so that I wouldn't have anything to regret someday.

Happy 2012!!!

Wish You're Here

I know. I know. I know.
I know I broke off with Min Jun. I don't miss him. But I miss the time I spent with him.
I fell in love again. That love hurts so much. All I could think right now is: If Min Jun is here with me, I wouldn't have gotten hurt this way. 


Life is really ironic. One day, you're all crazy about him and then you swore you don't even like him after he did some shit to you and then you broke down the next day, swearing that you've liked him all these times even when he hurt you so much.
I told you already, LIFE IS IRONIC.


There's a song that I love to listen to.
It's a very nice song which expresses all the feelings bottles up inside me.

Yes, I wanna be lost in love.

Yes, I wanna be your dream come true.

Yes, I want you to call me beautiful.

Yes, I want you to love me.

No, I don't want you to leave me.