FINAL: LIKE A MOVIE

It's over now. I have learn to accept the fact that it's over.
It shouldn't hurt now, not when time had passed. I should feel better, not like how I am feeling right now.
I miss him... a bit. I miss our times.
Yesterday, I saw someone that looks 90% like him.
 I thought perhaps that could be a sign for us to get back together. I was wrong. EVERYTHING IS FINAL NOW

I can't help but put the memories on rewind, playing it over and over in my head. Just like a movie.

THE END

16^th June 2011

I broke up with him.

It was my decision to end things with him because I was tired of all of this. I was tired of waiting for him when it seems like he’d never come back. I was tired of loving him when he would never love me… or so it seemed.

After the fight we had, he somehow… changed. No more love wall posts, no more talking about me on his status. I know that these reasons are really stupid, but these little things hurt.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t end things with him this time around, but I did anyway. I didn’t think I can wait anymore. I was tired of waiting, hoping for something that would never happen. I wasn’t really planning to break up with him, even though that thought had been nagging my mind for some times. It was just… something I did on the spot.

I gave it some thought and figured that if I would be kept waiting in the dark, and that we didn’t really know each other, and it’s a fact that we wouldn’t last, so why waste the precious time? I should let him go so he can find someone better than me, someone that can love him in a way I never could. I couldn’t help but ask myself… ‘What have I done?’, ‘Did I really break up with him?’ and that kind of questions. I didn’t care anymore, and I don’t think the world cares, so why not get on with it?

I did like him but everything I did felt more like obligations than tasks that I would do because I love him. I felt trapped. I felt lonely… like I was single. I thought, ‘If I feel like I’m single, then why don’t I get on with it and be single for real?’ Then it wouldn’t hurt for me to do anything a girlfriend just can’t do.

I walked around just to come full circle, right at the beginning. Now that I’ve let him go sincerely, I feel calm… happy, almost. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would, but maybe that was because the love is gone. It doesn’t matter; a love from him can be replaced with many other. There are other fishes in the sea that would suit me best. It amazes me how happy, and calm… and free I feel. I don’t have to think of him anymore.

I thank him for the memories, and everything he had said to make me happy. I thank him for everything he did.

It’s not you, Min Jun. It’s just me. It’s not what you did but what you didn’t do. It wasn’t your fault that everything has to end this way. I’m sorry that our love story has to end this way. I want you to know that I’ve never lied about my love for you, not even once. I loved you for real. I’m sorry for hurting you but I am hurting, too. Thank you so much for the memories. Live happily, Min Jun. You deserve happiness. You belong together with Hwae Ji and maybe that’s one of the reasons why we can never last. We’re just not made for each other.

Love, Kim Ji Young

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

Bye bye Min Jun.

I love you.

Not gonna....?

12^th June 2011

Well, oh well, turned out I wasn’t going to break up with him!

Life is just too surprising sometimes…

Anyway, I am quite happy that I did not break up with him… yet. I know I can’t let him go yet. I have to get things in check though. I need to save money, and that means LESS or NO trips to the Internet Café. But… I have to keep my relationship in check, too.

I don’t want him to get mad at me… but at the same time I can’t be ‘there’ for him every day. I guess I just have to talk things through with him. I don’t know… somehow I was relieved that I am still his girlfriend, but at the same time, it just… I don’t know. It sucks, I guess, because I feel OBLIGED to do this and that just FOR HIM. Tell me, is it worth it?

I want to take a break from all these things but how can I? I mean, not with him around. I love him, alright. I think I do.

Anyway, it’s going to hurt when everything ends… it’s going to hurt so much I might want to… to… to… scream and run and… and… and not think about anything at all(I am trying not to exaggerate here…). 

I don’t know what to say… or what to do.

Of all the things he wrote, only one sentence stuck in my mind.

“Let’s take a break.” Oh God, what could that mean? Was he asking for a break up?

I did not log on to Facebook for a week, and my mind and my heart had been in turmoil. I kept wondering what he’d say to me… I missed him so much it actually hurts.

Honestly, I do not expect to spend the rest of my life with him but I do not want to leave him either. He’s the one I think about most of the time.

When I did log on to Facebook and saw those words, my heart just… I don’t know? Break? I feel something deep in my bone marrow, and it made me worry. I went to my tuition but I could hardly concentrate. I kept pondering over what he wrote and I couldn’t imagine how my life would be without him…

He used to love me so much… at least that was how it seemed like but now… it seems like everything’s… GONE. I kept writing on his wall, telling him how much I love him, and not just once, or twice… but lots of times since I’m going to be offline for a long, long time. Guess what I got? He just commented on a wall post and to hell with the rest. There’s not even one post from him on my Facebook wall…

Maybe this is a sign that he doesn’t love me anymore… right?

It seems like there wasn’t even a moment of peace after I read his comment. I came home from class and eat my late night dinner silently. I did not talk to either my sister or brother. God, I feel so… down. I didn’t even care about the 2011 Dream Concert at all (I wanted to watch that concert so much since I’m a big fan of KPOP and most idols are going to perform).

I practically forced myself to watch the concert so that I can sleep with happy thoughts for the night. It was hard to concentrate on what I was watching and listening to. My heart hurts so much, my head kept spinning round and round and I couldn’t stop worrying about what would happen to us.

The concert did cheer me up a bit. I wasn’t ready to sleep yet, because I wasn’t feeling good yet so I watched a funny episode of ‘2 Days and 1 Night’. Man, it was funny and I had a good laugh!

I went to sleep with a happy heart that night. I pushed all the nagging thoughts out of my mind and decided I wouldn’t care about any of those crap.

The next day, I log on to Facebook again but I didn’t receive any reply from him… yet. Ok then, I’ll keep on waiting.

I checked my friends’ wall, and it hurts so much to see that he could write on someone else’s wall, but how could he not write on mine? I mean, I’m his girlfriend… shouldn’t he at least say something?

Gosh, is he asking for a break up? Is he SILENTLY asking for a break up? That thought hurts.

I should’ve known it would turn out like this. I know we would end one day, but please, please, not now. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready to let him go… Not yet. I know I’ve hurt him, but I’m hurting, too. Why couldn’t he see that?

I think the best thing to do is let him go but since I’m not ready, I’ll just keep holding on… to… this relationship. I have to admit, I think I’m holding on by a thread. I think it wouldn’t be long until I fall.

I think a break up is not something you could… ever be prepared for… I mean, not for real, I guess. I don’t know. I’m talking crap now.

Whatever happens… I’ll just… keep holding on, I suppose. I mean, this is not the end of life, right? So, it doesn’t really matter. I’ll just… keep holding on. =)

Written on:

11^th June 2011

Lonely~

I miss him terribly when he's not with me.

I always wonder what he's up to, and what it would feel like to be with him.

Many a times I wanted to shout at him, and make him see how lonely I am, despite all that he had said about how much he loved me.

I hope it's not lies that comes out of his mouth.

I like being with him, it makes me feel so special... or maybe that's just the effect of growing up without a real dad to shower me with love that comes from the other sex. 

I wouldn't blame Min Jun because I'm afraid I'd lose him. I love him so much it sometimes hurts. I don't dare tell him if I am mad at him, or even 'shout' at him because I'm afraid we'll only end just the way we did before I found this happiness again. I'm not going to let my selfishness ruin my love.

I try to understand Min Jun, because I know he's awfully busy with his thriving business, just like I am sometimes busy with my studies.

Min Jun, I am sorry to have caused you any pain at all.

I don't want you to feel guilty.

Go on, and get as busy as you can for your future, but just don't ever forget about me.

I'll always be waiting for you honey.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

My sweet Min Jun.

How can I hurt him just one bit?

I cannot hurt him.

Oh, how could I?

Baby, I'm sorry. At times I may be lonely, but I understand.

Be the brightest star in the world.

Shine brightly, make me proud.

I love you so much nothing would matter but YOU!

***

I'm just another girl  that you can replace with the blink of an eye.

Because of that, I shouldn't be afraid of what would happen to you when I'm not by your side anymore.

***

I love you.

Back to You~

Back to him...
Back to YOU!!!

Gwak Min Jun April 19 at 7:24pm Report

Hey. I will be away for a week for a shoot and I just want to tell u that I can't let go of you. I still miss you dearly. I realise that the person I love is you. All these time I've been pretending to love hwae ji. I can't tell u how sad am I when I know you want to break up with me. Being the hot tempered me, I missed my one only chance to be back with you. You were never my experiment. After all the girls, you have been the most realistic one. Makes me realise that I Can love someone from another place. And you're beautiful, Shahirah. I hope I spelt it correctly. Never have I saw a girl with such strong personality. We can be together again, forget our past. Im not forcing you. If you don't feel like it, I Can disappear and you'll never see me. Im so pathetic writing this during a five minutes break on my phone. I should be more sincere but I can't resist losing you again.

Hope to hear from you soon. You're forever in my heart. Take care, don't catch a cold.

Your jambu monkey. :)

This is what he sent me just so he could get back with me.

Tell me, which girl wouldn't be touched by this kind of action?If she's not, then maybe she's not a girl after all.

He apologized or hurting me before, and I thought NO! I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE A BASTARD LIKE HIM!

Well, what do you know?

I've fallen in love more than one more time, or so it seems, so I am completely vulnerable to another loving attack.

So, I love him...

I love my Min Jun...