Lonely Without You

I am alone.

But being alone is not the same as being lonely.

There are times when I want to ask him to come back but my pride holds me back each time. For that, I’m glad because if he left once, the he’ll leave again. Soon.

I know better than to sit around and wait for someone who wouldn’t come. He is far away now – in my mind’s eye. I need to pick up the thread of my life, pick up from where he left me and start again from scratch. I should not be sad. After all, this isn’t the first time.

First time?

I was wrong. This is the first time – that he left me.

Whenever I hear the song that we used to listen to, I wonder if he’s listening to the same song or if he even remembers how special this song was to us. How special this song IS to me.

Whenever I see a couple walking down the street with their hands intertwined together, I wonder if he still remembers the times we used to do just that. I wonder if he remembers how it was when I put my hand in his or when I look into his eyes and told him I love him. I wonder.

Whenever I came across our pictures, I wonder if he still keeps them. Has he thrown away our pictures? Has he burned them? What about my gifts? Does he still have it? Or did he pack it for Goodwill? Has he thrown away or burned everything? Did he do that to our memories, too?

It’s so hard to walk away and it’s so hard to explain this feeling. I remember him, because everything that had happened is still new. I still remember it with perfect clarity, to the point where it hurts.

Breaking up with him feels so wrong but I was wronged and it was the only right thing to do. Because there is no girl in this world who wants to be cheated on.

We're Through

People change all the time. People move forward and they don’t turn back to mourn for what they have left behind and lost. They don’t usually do that.

Because to move forward, you have to look ahead and forget what’s behind you.

Because that’s the only rule of surviving. Ever.

But I didn’t do anything and he left me. I repeat: HE LEFT ME.

He changed in a blink of an eye. He changed just like that. We were so in love and we got over so many things, and for once, I was the one trying to hold on to our relationship even when I knew it was slipping away and the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me in no time at all but I stayed.

Because I have faith in him.

Because I have faith in us.

The way he talked to me was different. When I was the one who left him, he still talked to me in that soft, irresistible voice and there wasn’t a hint of hate or anger at all when he should be. He never raised his voice. He never yelled at me. He never hurt me… real bad.

But now he had. Because there is apparently someone better for him out there – someone better for him when we were really doing okay, when things could’ve ended happily.

Where was she – or any other girl, for that matter – when I needed her to be with him? When I left him and saw what a mess he had become, all I wanted was for him to have someone other than me to love and to lean on. He didn’t find her.

How ironic that he had found the ‘perfect girl ever’ when I had willingly stayed by his side and picked off where we left off and started a whole new chapter for us. It’s as if fate’s trying to get me. Well, FATE certainly had done its job.

And I thought I could never be more hurt than when Min Jun left me.

What sliced through my already broken heart is the realisation that he will never be the same. The understanding we have, the perfect chemistry between us – he pretends to not know any of it. Where once we couldn’t help but understand each other, now he pretends to not understand what I’m saying but I know that he understands it perfectly, even if I don’t say it out loud. Because the mutual understanding we couldn’t help but have is not something that can go away when something breaks into pieces.

I don’t think it will go away.

Right now, it feels like we are both trying to act like we don’t know each other and act like strangers in one room when we know exactly what the other party is thinking. That hurts. I have to pretend to not know any of it. I have to pretend that I have lost it all, when in fact, it is not something that can disappear just like that.