I don’t know what to say… or what to do.

Of all the things he wrote, only one sentence stuck in my mind.

“Let’s take a break.” Oh God, what could that mean? Was he asking for a break up?

I did not log on to Facebook for a week, and my mind and my heart had been in turmoil. I kept wondering what he’d say to me… I missed him so much it actually hurts.

Honestly, I do not expect to spend the rest of my life with him but I do not want to leave him either. He’s the one I think about most of the time.

When I did log on to Facebook and saw those words, my heart just… I don’t know? Break? I feel something deep in my bone marrow, and it made me worry. I went to my tuition but I could hardly concentrate. I kept pondering over what he wrote and I couldn’t imagine how my life would be without him…

He used to love me so much… at least that was how it seemed like but now… it seems like everything’s… GONE. I kept writing on his wall, telling him how much I love him, and not just once, or twice… but lots of times since I’m going to be offline for a long, long time. Guess what I got? He just commented on a wall post and to hell with the rest. There’s not even one post from him on my Facebook wall…

Maybe this is a sign that he doesn’t love me anymore… right?

It seems like there wasn’t even a moment of peace after I read his comment. I came home from class and eat my late night dinner silently. I did not talk to either my sister or brother. God, I feel so… down. I didn’t even care about the 2011 Dream Concert at all (I wanted to watch that concert so much since I’m a big fan of KPOP and most idols are going to perform).

I practically forced myself to watch the concert so that I can sleep with happy thoughts for the night. It was hard to concentrate on what I was watching and listening to. My heart hurts so much, my head kept spinning round and round and I couldn’t stop worrying about what would happen to us.

The concert did cheer me up a bit. I wasn’t ready to sleep yet, because I wasn’t feeling good yet so I watched a funny episode of ‘2 Days and 1 Night’. Man, it was funny and I had a good laugh!

I went to sleep with a happy heart that night. I pushed all the nagging thoughts out of my mind and decided I wouldn’t care about any of those crap.

The next day, I log on to Facebook again but I didn’t receive any reply from him… yet. Ok then, I’ll keep on waiting.

I checked my friends’ wall, and it hurts so much to see that he could write on someone else’s wall, but how could he not write on mine? I mean, I’m his girlfriend… shouldn’t he at least say something?

Gosh, is he asking for a break up? Is he SILENTLY asking for a break up? That thought hurts.

I should’ve known it would turn out like this. I know we would end one day, but please, please, not now. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready to let him go… Not yet. I know I’ve hurt him, but I’m hurting, too. Why couldn’t he see that?

I think the best thing to do is let him go but since I’m not ready, I’ll just keep holding on… to… this relationship. I have to admit, I think I’m holding on by a thread. I think it wouldn’t be long until I fall.

I think a break up is not something you could… ever be prepared for… I mean, not for real, I guess. I don’t know. I’m talking crap now.

Whatever happens… I’ll just… keep holding on, I suppose. I mean, this is not the end of life, right? So, it doesn’t really matter. I’ll just… keep holding on. =)

Written on:

11^th June 2011