I love you Alen Gwak

You know that sometimes you can feel separation hovering near, threatening to break you and your loved ones apart?

At least when it comes to that, you know what to expect though I don’t think it lessen the pain of being left alone after such a long time of being together with the one you dearly loved.

I envisioned our future together – not wedding bells, wedding dresses or a bungalow for me to live with him and our kids but rather just the day after today. I had hopes and expectations for the time to come up till the time he left.

Every relationship would hit a rocky patch once in a while and mine was no different. What I thought to be such a minor mistake on my part turned out to be such a huge wound to him that he left.

Yes, he left.

He left without saying goodbye.

What hurts is the fact that there were no last words, no goodbye, nothing to signal that he was about to leave. My hope to smooth out our misunderstanding was crushed as soon as I realised that he had left. I searched high and low but he was nowhere to be found.

His absence left a gaping hole that throbbed, like someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest. The emptiness yawned widely inside but I’m unable to find something or someone that can cover the void in my life.

I wonder what he felt the moment he left me. Glad, perhaps? – Glad that he could get rid of me at last? Hurt? Guilt?

I didn’t think that I was ready to live without him, to let him go. If I’d been standing, I would’ve staggered backward to learn that he’s gone. The shock and surprise was so sudden.

The only thing he left was a thousand memories I can’t forget. The mind is like a sieve, so I shouldn’t need to worry much, right? Time will wipe out all the memories so that nothing could be left behind, right? But sometimes, there are just some things that got stuck in the mind, unable to be peeled off and discarded.

I listen to songs – sad love ballads mostly – before I go to sleep, hoping it can soothe my aching heart. I let our memories play in my head – not because I want to add to the mountain of pain in my heart, but rather remembering is the only way of forgetting for me. I let the tears fall along with the rain that pelts on my windows on the rare occasion when the summer storm decides to pay a visit.

I don’t know if he reads this but if he does, then I would like to apologize to him for hurting him, and I want him to know that I never meant to hurt him for how could I inflict such pain on someone I love? And… I just want to let him know I still love him and I would gladly accept him back into my arms if he ever decides to come back.

I love you, Alen, and I still need you.