Refresh :)

I’ve been doing some subtle changes here and there.

            I changed my profile picture and cover photo on Facebook though it doesn’t really do me justice in ‘starting afresh’. It’s useless, I know, but somehow a part of me just wants to change it all so that it won’t remind me of what and who I had lost.

            A few days had passed since he left me. I’m just trying to live as usual, always keeping a happy face, smiling all the time and pretending like it all never happened. It’d be a lie if I say my mind doesn’t wander back to our memories, if my hands don’t itch to click that one button to view our pictures on the computer, if my heart doesn’t yearn for his presence.

            I really want to view our pictures but I’m afraid that the sight would bring a fresh wave of pain. I’m afraid that I would crumble down alone, with no one to help me get up again.

            I hear people say that the first cut is the deepest. This ‘cut’ is the third and I figured out it wouldn’t hurt much.

            Maybe that’s true… though it hurts just the same. Being broken up with by someone you love is not something that you can get used to no matter how many times you go through it. It hurts and it will always hurt.

            Though I believe myself to be fine without him, I still look for him wherever I go. I hope he would suddenly appear again even if I can only look at him from afar.

            I still wonder about him. Does he miss the one girl he left behind? Does he miss the talks we used to have? Does he miss the memories we created together and the moments we used to hold on to? Does he miss me at all?

I do feel lonely but I try to bask in the loneliness and do things I like – things which I had almost forgotten. I finished reading one of my favourite novels, I updated my book full of quotes, and I play around with my nephews and nieces as they say that kids are the natural entertainer for the heart.

I’m young and life out there has much, much, much more to offer. I’ll meet lots, lots, lots and lots of guys out there and I’ll find one in the crowd that deserves my love.

You know, Super Junior didn’t sing ‘Sexy, Free and Single’ for nothing! *wink* :)

I love you Alen Gwak

You know that sometimes you can feel separation hovering near, threatening to break you and your loved ones apart?

At least when it comes to that, you know what to expect though I don’t think it lessen the pain of being left alone after such a long time of being together with the one you dearly loved.

I envisioned our future together – not wedding bells, wedding dresses or a bungalow for me to live with him and our kids but rather just the day after today. I had hopes and expectations for the time to come up till the time he left.

Every relationship would hit a rocky patch once in a while and mine was no different. What I thought to be such a minor mistake on my part turned out to be such a huge wound to him that he left.

Yes, he left.

He left without saying goodbye.

What hurts is the fact that there were no last words, no goodbye, nothing to signal that he was about to leave. My hope to smooth out our misunderstanding was crushed as soon as I realised that he had left. I searched high and low but he was nowhere to be found.

His absence left a gaping hole that throbbed, like someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest. The emptiness yawned widely inside but I’m unable to find something or someone that can cover the void in my life.

I wonder what he felt the moment he left me. Glad, perhaps? – Glad that he could get rid of me at last? Hurt? Guilt?

I didn’t think that I was ready to live without him, to let him go. If I’d been standing, I would’ve staggered backward to learn that he’s gone. The shock and surprise was so sudden.

The only thing he left was a thousand memories I can’t forget. The mind is like a sieve, so I shouldn’t need to worry much, right? Time will wipe out all the memories so that nothing could be left behind, right? But sometimes, there are just some things that got stuck in the mind, unable to be peeled off and discarded.

I listen to songs – sad love ballads mostly – before I go to sleep, hoping it can soothe my aching heart. I let our memories play in my head – not because I want to add to the mountain of pain in my heart, but rather remembering is the only way of forgetting for me. I let the tears fall along with the rain that pelts on my windows on the rare occasion when the summer storm decides to pay a visit.

I don’t know if he reads this but if he does, then I would like to apologize to him for hurting him, and I want him to know that I never meant to hurt him for how could I inflict such pain on someone I love? And… I just want to let him know I still love him and I would gladly accept him back into my arms if he ever decides to come back.

I love you, Alen, and I still need you.

You and I

Life is very surprising.

I think I have just learned it.

You remember Min Jun? You know, the guy I can’t seem to stop talking about? The one who makes me laugh and cry? The one that I love?

Now you get the picture.

I’ve been wanting to tell the world about this for quite some time but things just got in the way.  I was quite busy these past few months and still am. It is hard to find some time to write but as it is, I try to push a few things away and here I am, typing away for this blog.

Back to the story I wanted to tell you about.

Min Jun came back and we got back together after a while. We are about two months into the relationship and I am very happy to have him back in my life. I really can’t get away from him, can I?

We had celebrated our 1^st and 2^nd month anniversary together, leaving me a memory I don’t think I can ever forget in a million years.

I just want time to stop when we’re together so that I can be with him forever and never have to let him go. He makes me smile and blow away all my fears and tears and for that, I am thankful to have met him.

I can’t remember a life before him, a life so dull like I’m seeing the world in black and white. He brought colours back into my life and makes me see the little things I never noticed and the hidden beauty in everything.

I don’t think I can write enough about him. For those who have been in love, you know what it feels like when that special someone makes your life so perfect you just don’t have the words to describe it. Well, Min Jun is that special someone in my life and words just don’t do him justice.

Min Jun, I love you Jambu Monkey. May we stay together for ever.

Our second anniversary together. ♥